Nerd Theater

Pledging My Life

hansenm — Tue, 15 May 2012 15:37:17 +0000

Today’s comic is pretty much what we believe fraternities are really like. Innocent young men pledge themselves to a group of slightly older misogynistic, border-line rapists in some futile attempt to gain self-respect and “man cred.” Although college is the backdrop, drinking and partying with scores of intoxicated women is front and center for these wannabe playboys.

Given the stereotypes, I’m sure we’re all asking the same question: why won’t they let me join? I’ve filled out the application dozens of times, but the interview always ends with a soul-crushing “Next!”. Am I not pretty enough? I can change! Please, just give me a chance. *sob*

Rattle Some Cages

hansenm — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:44:01 +0000

Alan and his Real Doll had a pregnancy scare last week, which got us all thinking about developmental biology and how truly disgusting Alan is as a human being. There was no Real Child, of course. It turned out to be a combination of ants and me switching Alan’s medication with methamphetamine.

How much healthy weight should a pregnant woman gain? According to the mother-fucking Mayo Clinic, 25-35 pounds on average. None of the females in the Nerd Theater family (or the secret Nerd Theater concubine network) are pregnant at the moment, so we task you, dear readers, with informing every pregnant woman you see of the knowledge we just dropped on y’all.

It will go over great. Trust us.

Jesus H. Krishna

hansenm — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 04:48:16 +0000

Like most Nerd Theater comics, you need a mixture of high-brow and low-brow knowledge to get it. For example, our comic about a dude fucking soup cans requires you to have historical knowledge of apartheid in South Africa. Look it up.

In this comic, Jesus goes ape-shit over the mention of a fig tree. This is in line with our running gag, but it’s also the truth. Our story of Jesus traveling through time to take a blow-up doll to Disney World is based on virtually the same number of facts. You can interpret the “fig tree” Gospel story in many ways, but I’m gonna go all Occam’s Razor here and suggest the following: Jesus was bat-shit crazy in a time when the only medication was booze.

There’s a fine line between genius and crazy, but bullshit always smells the same. If you’re keeping score, that’s three different kinds of animal shit in one blog post. Your move, God.